A family member embodies qualities of intellect, shrewdness, astuteness, and articulate expression, often being significantly older than myself; this is particularly true for numerous individuals within my father’s family. A family member is also defined by a lack of cleverness, insight, eloquence, sociability, affability, or a penchant for fun. This definition extends to those who may exhibit varying degrees of physical activity, encompassing individuals from both older generations and those belonging to the late Generation X or early Millennial cohorts. This characterization applies uniformly to all members of my maternal lineage. Furthermore, it is important to note that: Modern NASCAR Drivers Jimmie Johnson, Kevin Harvick, Carl Edwards, Casey Mears, Brian Vickers, Kasey Kahne, Denny Hamlin, Regan Smith, Matt Kenseth And His Son Ross, Elliott Sadler, Josh Wise, And Johnny Sauter; Modern Formula One Drivers Nick Heidfeld And Jenson Button; NBA Players And Coaches Greg Foster, Jason Kidd, Josh Oppenheimer, Scot Pollard, Matt Geiger, Steve Nash, And The Late Eric Montross; NHL Players Derek Morris, Shane Doan And His Son Josh, Martin LaPointe, Rod Brind’Amour, Steve Begin, Cale Hulse, Ethan Moreau, Josh Gratton, and Ryan Clowe; NFL Players Tom Brady, Ron Gronkowski And Each Of His Five Siblings, Chad Greenway, Coy Wire, Brothers Bruce And Gino Gradkowski, Brothers Luke, And Brothers Jason and Travis Kelce, MLB Players Billy Koch, Tim Hudson, Justin Masterson, Dustan Mohr, Kevin Youkilis, Brett Gardner, Kyle McClellan, Steve Pearce, Chad Gaudin, Tyler Collins, And Reed Johnson; Television Personality and Drag Racer Bruno Massel, And Television Personalities Known As “The Property Brothers”, Scott MacGillivray, Mike Holmes Jr., And The Teutul Family.
The alternate version of my parents, who are displeased with me and wish to evict me from their modest tract house situated on a typical small lot in a typical subdivision in the Detroit suburb of Warren, Michigan, will contact the legitimate version of my parents and arrange for me to be transported to the legitimate version of my parents, who reside under one roof with my paternal grandmother.
The legitimate version of my father drives his Diesel-powered GMT400 Chevrolet 2-Door Tahoe to the home in the Detroit suburb of Warren, Michigan to retrieve me.
The alternate version of my parents both inform the legitimate version of my father that this child is an extremely difficult, obnoxious, inimical, uncongenial, cantankerous, irascible, and surly individual. He is entirely yours. We will no longer be required to reside with an individual who is so discordant.
In front of the alternate version of my parents, my father says to me, “Let’s escape from the reality that the alternate version of your mother and I inhabit, which has tragically impacted you, and enter the proper, definitive reality”.
As we are driving back home to our homestead in Lakeville Township, Michigan, my father informs me, “I am uncertain as to how these alternate versions of your mother and I managed to abduct you; however, you will soon be reunited with us, Grandma (my paternal grandmother), and our numerous Dogs.” These alternate versions of your mother and I are such eccentric individuals, leading the lives they lead, associating with the specific side of the family they belong to, the possessions they possess, the activities they engage in, and the perspective they hold on the world. You are no longer required to contend with this alternative reality and these distorted versions of your mother and me.
Subsequently, my father says to me, “You will always sit in the front passenger seat of a vehicle with bucket seats, in the middle of the front bench seat in our suburban nest to your mother, your grandmother, and I. You will never, ever, ever sit in the backseat of a vehicle. You will be able to watch CBS programming on Channel 2 WJBK-TV, and Channel 7 WXYZ-TV will always remain owned and operated by ABC.”
As we proceed back to our home in Lakeville Township, my father assures me, “You will always sit in the front passenger seat of a vehicle with bucket seats, in the middle of the front bench seat in our suburban nest to your mother, your grandmother, and I. You will never, ever, ever sit in the backseat of a vehicle”.
“You will have the opportunity to view Channel 7’s locally-produced, in-house programming, including “A.M Detroit,” “Kelley & Company,” “Good Afternoon Detroit,” “Bonds On,” and “Woman to Woman”, adds my father.
Afterwards, my father says to me” Jefferson-Pilot continues to operate and retains its fundamental Insurance and Annuities business, as well as its Broadcasting business. Jefferson-Pilot continues to own and operate WBT-AM and FM, as well as WBTV-TV, in part and parcel. WBT-FM, located in Charlotte, North Carolina, maintains its “Sunny” appellation and Mainstream Adult Contemporary format. It never adopts the “Link” moniker, nor does it ever adopt the Hot Adult Contemporary format or become WLNK-FM. Whenever we are in the Charlotte area, as well as when we are visiting with our friends in the NASCAR community and touring the WBT AM-FM and WBTV Studio at 1 Julian Price Place in the Charlotte city proper, you will be able to listen to 1110 WBT-AM and Sunny 107.9 WBT-FM”.
Afterward, while we were still on our way home, my father said to me, “In order to fully address the adversity and grief that you have experienced, we will purchase an additional number of electric fans, visit car, tractor, recreational vehicle (RV), and medium-heavy duty truck dealerships, as well as school bus distributors. We will also take you to the Key Copying Department at Sears to obtain numerous copies of the keys to our house and outbuilding for both ourselves and my paternal grandmother. Additionally, we will take you to numerous Amateur/Ham Radio Club meetings and a dozen Radio and Television Stations. You will never have to fret about, or actually confront the reality of, riding in the backseat of a vehicle, including a Minivan, or even riding in a Minivan at all. You will be able to travel in a Conversion Van, Recreational Vehicle (RV), or both, as you have always done before this alternate version of your mother and I abducted you.
As we continue to drive home, my father says to me, “I am at a loss as to why the alternate versions of your mother and I would wish to associate with the side of the family that is completely inane, unintelligent, inarticulate, and dimwitted; your mother’s entire family.” These alternate versions of your mother and I are squandering their time and the rest of their lives by associating with your mother’s entire family, just as they are squandering the rest of their lives by remaining in the small, cramped tract house on a small, cramped lot within a typical subdivision in Warren, Michigan”.
Upon meeting and subsequently marrying your mother, I had rescued her from a dysfunctional family and prevented her from pursuing a negative life trajectory. Your mother’s family has never offered her the same level of companionship and affinity as your grandmother, great aunts, great uncle, and second and third cousins. I will also inform you that I have consistently pushed your mother outside of her comfort zone since we first met and subsequently married. My sister Chris, who is a social butterfly in stark contrast to your mother and myself, had introduced Jim’s family to your mother’s entire family. The acquaintance between your mother’s entire family and Jim’s family is a match made in heaven; Darlene and Carletta, Moe, and Lucille each have quite a bit in common with your mother’s parents’ brothers, Aunt, Uncle, and your mother’s eldest brother’s in-laws; all of the children from your mother’s entire family have a lot in common with Moe and Carletta’s daughters and Darlene’s sons; Jim’s family has long since replaced us as the family that your mother’s entire family has in their lives. The youngest daughter of Moe and Carletta is equally buffoonish as each of the children in your mother’s family. It is of no consequence that I have a small family, that the majority of my family is between two and three times your age, or that family gatherings consist of nothing more than intelligent, shrewd conversations, with minimal gift exchange and no cooking or eating together. In conclusion, the age and kinship disparities between you and my family, as well as the socially unconventional and subdued gatherings that we typically engage in with my family, are of no consequence”, adds my father.
Afterwards, my father says to me” These alternate versions of your mother and I are interested in maintaining a socially normal household, chauffeuring individuals, including your mother’s parents, in a car-based minivan, and enjoying lengthy car rides. They are deranged for being that way and for being interested in those socially acceptable activities”.
Subsequently, my father says to me” These alternate versions of your mother and I are unaware of the detrimental consequences of their decision to acquire the substandard vehicles they do. They are under the impression that they must emulate the lifestyles of the couples with children who own Caravans, Lumina APVs, Ventures, Mercury Villagers, and their own examples of Ford Motor Company’s Front-Wheel-Drive, Car-based replacement for the Aerostar, the Windstar. Additionally, they are compelled to encourage the one version of your sister to participate in Band and Music, encourage you to participate in Sports, and engage in social activities with the Band and Sports Clubs and Teams, much like the mainstream and socially normal families. They also use their substandard, unreliable Minivan to transport individuals”.
Afterwards, my father says to me “Furthermore, these alternate versions of your mother and I are irrational for buying into the well-mannered and urbane character of Car-based Minivans, as well as the genteel and hypercivilized images and stereotypes that the general public is presented with when they observe the other version of your mother and I driving, parking, entering, and exiting those Car-based Minivans”.
Then, my father says to me “Who cares if the stepwell within the doorjamb prevents both of your mother’s parents from entering and exiting the Truck-based Minivans (Compact Vans) by General Motors and Ford—the Chevrolet Astro/GMC Safari and the Ford Aerostar—the T4 Volkswagen Transporter/EuroVan, the R30 Toyota MasterAce and its successor—the TCR21W Estima/Previa—and the Full-Size Vans manufactured by General Motors, Ford, and Dodge (Chrysler). Who cares if the stepwell within the doorjamb impedes the other iteration of your mother from entering and exiting while wearing a dress? Moreover, who cares if Minivans have the lowest and most affordable Automobile Insurance rates?”.
Afterwards, my father says to me “On the other hand, Grandma, Aunt Marie, Mary Ann, Uncle Joe, and Aunt Martha would never complain about entering and exiting the Full-Size Vans manufactured by General Motors, Ford, and Dodge (Chrysler), despite the stepwell within the doorjamb. They would brazen out, put up, and shut up”.
Subsequently, my father says to me “You are aware that we only acquire vehicles out of emotion. This Diesel 2-Door Tahoe, our Diesel Suburban, our Diesel-powered Conversion Van, our current Buick-branded General Motors B-Platform Station Wagon, the Golf GTI, and the Corrado serve as occasional drivers. Additionally, we operate the Class 6 Medium-Duty Truck with a Box/Cube Van Body whenever we require to transport items”.
My father states “Ideally, for individuals like us—Americans who appreciate European automobiles—the French manufacturers Renault, Citroen, and Peugeot, along with the Italian brands Fiat, Lancia, and Alfa Romeo, would market their vehicles domestically. This would cater to the emotional inclinations of American consumers, even if it yields minimal or no profit. However, they struggle to compete against American, Korean, and Japanese automakers operating in the United States and Canada, with their sole competitive advantage being against Volkswagen”.
My father subsequently states “Ideally, General Motors and Ford would acquiesce to American consumers who prefer European vehicles and provide models created and produced by their European divisions, which were initially intended just for the European market, in the United States. For example, selling the Fiesta, European Escort, Sierra, and Scorpio instead of the Mazda-designed and Kia-manufactured Festiva, the North American Escort and its Mercury counterparts—the Lynx and Tracer, the Tempo and its Mercury equivalent—the Topaz, the Taurus/Sable, and the contemporary Front-Wheel-Drive Lincoln Continental; the Americanized J-Platform vehicles marketed by all five of General Motors’ Passenger Car Divisions, X-Platform vehicles (Chevrolet Citation, Pontiac Phoenix, Oldsmobile Omega, and Buick Skylark), L/N-Platform vehicles (Chevrolet Corsica/Beretta/Malibu, Pontiac Grand Am, Oldsmobile Calais/Achieva/Alero, and Buick Skylark), and the Front-Wheel-Drive A/W/U-Platform”.
My father subsequently says to me “Additionally, for individuals like us who conduct thorough research on Japanese automakers, possess an understanding of global automotive markets beyond North America, and purchase vehicles for emotional rather than practical reasons, it is evident that Japanese manufacturers could successfully market Kei/Micro Cars, Trucks, and Vans; the Diesel-powered Corolla and Sunny/Sentra; the 3 and 5-Door Hatchback variants of the Corolla and Sunny/Sentra; the Toyota HiAce and Granvia Vans; the Nissan Urvan; the Toyota TownAce Van; the Nissan Serena; the Nissan Patrol; the Toyota Chaser and Cresta; the Toyota Crown, Crown Majesta, and Century; as well as the Nissan Cedric/Gloria, Cima, President, and Leopard in North America, irrespective of any potential profitability. Toyota, however; does market the Soarer in North America as the Lexus SC”.
My father then says to me “We are not concerned with whether anyone is offended by the fact that we own a Recreational Vehicle (RV) and travel with it, as they are either not interested in traveling in this manner or believe that owning, driving, or transporting an RV is impractical”.
Then, my father says” I am astounded that the alternate version of me would be as practical as he is and purchase vehicles to commute to and from his place of employment. This includes vehicles such as the Dodge/Plymouth Neon, the Pontiac Sunfire, the Pontiac Grand Am, the Ford Tempo, and even a Honda”.
Subsequently, my father says to me “Equipping a Rear-Wheel-Drive vehicle such as this Diesel 2-Door Tahoe, our Diesel Suburban, any Full-Size Van, including our Diesel-powered Conversion Van; our current Buick-branded General Motors B-Platform Station Wagon, the Truck-based Minivans (Compact Vans) by General Motors and Ford: the Chevrolet Astro/GMC Safari, and the Ford Aerostar with a Rear Locking or Limited-Slip Differential; and even a Motorhome coachbuilder ordering a Motorhome Chassis with a Rear Locking or Limited-Slip Differential, and the Transportation Department of a Public School System and/or a School Bus coachbuilder ordering a School Bus Chassis or building their own Stripped Transit-style Chassis with a Rear Locking or Limited-Slip Differential are much more important than not only how practical a Car-based Minivan might be, but most Front-Wheel-Drive Passenger Cars; such as those designed and built atop General Motors’ J, N, L, Front-Wheel-Drive A/W, and H-Platforms, Ford’s CE14, CT120, DN5, and DN101 Platforms; and Chrysler’s K, PL, and JA-Platforms. Nissan and their subsidiary JATCO, which is responsible for the design and production of Transmissions and Transaxles, manufacture Manual and Automatic Front-Wheel-Drive Transaxles that incorporate Limited-Slip Differentials”.
My father says to me” These alternate versions of your mother and I are also insane for their desire for a second home or a permanent residence on or near the water. They do not object to the fact that they are still in close proximity to other residents while living on or near the water, and they maintain a fervent passion for boats. They are squandering the remaining years of their existence by possessing boats. It would be significantly more advantageous for them to own Recreational Vehicles (RVs), and get into and Amateur Radio (Ham Radio)”.
While we are still driving whilst on our way back home, my father says to me “” The new generation of Automobile Racers, including Jimmie Johnson, Matt Kenseth, Kevin Harvick, Brian Vickers, Regan Smith, Casey Mears, Denny Hamlin, Kasey Kahne, Carl Edwards, Jenson Button, Nick Heidfeld, brothers Kurt and Kyle Busch, and A.J. Allmendinger, as well as the new generation of Automobile Racing Journalists, including Marty Smith. This new generation of Automobile Racers and Automobile Racing journalists is as buffoonish as all of the children in your mother’s family. Given the sociable, clubbable, and inane nature of the children from your mother’s family, it would not be surprising if they encountered these modern automobile racers at any establishment, including a Pub, Fern Bar, Nightclub, Saloon, Tavern, Beer Hall, Shebeen, modern Wine Bar, Coffeehouse, or a Cigar Bar (given the extent to which some of the children from your mother’s family smoke). Matt Kenseth and Garrett, your mother’s sibling, would have a great rapport, as they both have sons as a result of accidental pregnancies and are extremely passionate about Sports. Andy, the son of Garrett, and Ross, the son of Matt Kenseth, would have a particularly close relationship. This is due to the fact that they were both born as the result of accidental pregnancies, they both suffer from androgenic alopecia, they are both sports enthusiasts, much like their fathers, and they are both unaware of, and not interested in, any other aspects of life beyond their respective Sports and their immediate families. It would also not be surprising if any one or more of these Automobile Racers accidentally caused the pregnancies of Dan and Linda’s daughters, as well as Moe and Carletta’s youngest daughter Amy, as a result of their immature sexual behavior. This would result in these modern Automobile Racers becoming what are known as “Baby Daddies””.
My father says to me “Who cares about the new generation of Automobile Racers who are enjoying and accepting of traditional family gatherings, such as those hosted by your mother’s family and Jim’s family in Virginia, and who are enjoying the opportunity to converse and form relationships with individuals who are either their own age or in close proximity? This is another reason why the new generation of Automobile Racers would interact well with the children of your mother’s extended family, Moe and Carletta’s daughters, and Darlene’s sons”.
Then, my father says to me “This new generation of Automobile Racers, as well as numerous NHL, NBA, MLB, and NFL Players, must understand the significance of Cars, Trucks, School Buses, Motorhomes, and Fifth-Wheel RV Trailers in comparison to Sports and Fitness, socially normal associations and relationships, and socially normal family gatherings such as those hosted by your mother’s family and Jim’s family. Additionally, Electric Fans, Amateur/Ham Radio, and the Commercial Broadcast Radio and Television Industry are all more important than Sports and Fitness, socially normal associations and relationships, and socially normal family gatherings like those hosted by your mother’s family and Jim’s family”.
Subsequently, my father says to me “In addition to the plethora of NHL, NBA, MLB, and NFL players, this new generation of automobile racers must also understand the significance of being an Autistic individual, receiving Special Education services, including Occupational Therapy services while in School, and being treated to the Wilbarger Brushing Protocol while receiving Occupational Therapy services. These factors are not only more significant than participation in a School’s Sports and Band programs, but also more significant than socially normal associations and relationships, as well as socially normal family gatherings such as those hosted by your mother’s family and Jim’s family”.
As we are still driving, my father says to me “The Warren Consolidated Schools Public School District employs numerous staff members, including the rude and dimwitted School Bus Drivers that are your mother’s colleagues, as well as Teachers like Ann Kolinski, Carolyn Armbruster, Terri Dworkin, Celia Socha, and the married couple Steve and Carole Gerling. These individuals are not only as dimwitted and inarticulate as your mother’s entire family and some of my colleagues at my place of employment, but they are also as discordant, contentious, quarrelsome, and irritable as your mother’s entire family and some of the people I work with at my place of employment”.
Afterwards, my father says to me “All of these individuals are deserving of our hostility, and avoidance”.
My father then proceeds to say to me “Being the youthful, foolish, trivial, and unwise individuals that they are; and in an alternate reality, the irresponsible management of Jefferson-Pilot Communications altering the call letters, format, and name of WBT-FM to WLNK, showing a lack of respect for the legacy of the WBT Stations and Jefferson-Standard/Jefferson-Pilot Communications as a whole; and their attempts to cater to a young, trivial audience similar to themselves; Cheryl “Sheri Lynch” Wardlynch ought not to exhibit kindness and tolerance towards this young, trivial audience they are attempting to attract; and should she, on behalf of this FM Station that in the alternate reality has been renamed WLNK-FM; be promoting, she should be particularly kind and tolerant towards all the children of your mother’s entire family as they foolishly travel from the Detroit area to the Charlotte area merely to attend foolish Musical Concerts in that region, with Moe and Carletta’s youngest daughter Amy also foolishly traveling from the Norfolk/Hampton Roads area in Virginia to the Charlotte area just to attend foolish Musical Concerts; any younger Teachers employed by Warren Consolidated Schools foolishly traveling from the Detroit area to the Charlotte area just to attend foolish Musical Concerts, and any of your mother’s young colleagues who are School Bus Drivers, in addition to your mother’s colleagues who are Motorcycle/Biker women foolishly traveling from the Detroit area to the Charlotte area just to attend foolish Musical Concerts; and act as a Sugar Mommy, comforting and assisting all of these young, trivial individuals as if they were journeying to New York State merely to attend Woodstock”.
My father then proceeds to say to me “Bob Lacey, who is likely to have been coerced into agreeing to these call letter, format, and moniker changes, is unlikely to be kindhearted and tolerant towards any young Teacher who has an AM/FM Radio or Boombox in his or her Classroom within a School in the Charlotte area, turned on during School and Class hours, and tuned to this FM Station that in the other reality has been rechristened WLNK-FM. Additionally, any inane School Bus Driver while driving any School Bus owned and operated by any School District throughout the Charlotte area that has been ordered with an AM/FM Radio, tuned to this FM Station that in the other reality has been rechristened WLNK-FM. You are aware that Bob Lacey, a consistently exceptional and diligent employee of Jefferson-Pilot Communications, will go to great lengths to honor the history of the WBT Stations.
This includes maintaining the FM Station’s format in a manner that is consistent with the history of Jefferson-Pilot Communications and the WBT Stations”, says my father.
This also includes playing music that is appropriate for the stations’ respective histories”, says my father.
My father then proceeds to say to me “Shannon, one of the daughters of Mary Ann, may believe and assert that the new generation of Automobile Racers is similar to the three sons of Colin and Sheila, as well as the children of your mother’s family. She may also believe that you are socially normal, athletic, and similar to others of your generation. However, the reality is that she is entirely incorrect and self-centered in her assessment of you. She is, however; entirely correct in her assessment of the three sons of Colin and Sheila, the children of your mother’s family, the daughters of Moe and Carletta, and the sons of Darlene”.
Afterwards, my father says to me “In other words, Shannon may believe that the new generation of Automobile Racers is the most wonderful thing to ever happen, and the greatest thing since Sliced Bread, because they are contemporaries who are just as athletic, modern, progressive, and dynamic as each of Colin and Sheila’s three sons, and all of the children from your mother’s family. However, this new generation of Automobile Racers are not truly Automobile Racers; they are Basketball, Football, Baseball, Hockey, Soccer, or Wrestlers who became Automobile Racers because it was the only other activity they had trained for during their childhood and adolescence. Otherwise, they would have to enter an entirely new and different world of work. The truth is that she is making a grave error. NASCAR will never adapt or change, nor will they ever permit this new generation of Pit Crew members and Drivers to compete and perform in NASCAR. Similarly, they will never permit foreign manufacturers to compete in NASCAR, and they will not permit NASCAR to become as opulent, flamboyant, and replete with new money as the NBA, NFL, MLB, and NHL have become. NASCAR has always been for and by Car enthusiasts, and it will always be about the Cars that they race. They will never intermingle with Basketball, Football, Baseball, Hockey, Soccer, and Wrestling”.
My father subsequently says to me “Her husband Ray, her grandmother Aunt Marie, and her mother Mary Ann will consistently discipline Shannon, prevent her from being antagonistic toward you, and maintain her composure. Shannon inquires as to the rationale behind your unique approaches and behaviors”.
Then, my father says to me “When it comes to someone befriending, associating with, and conversing with another individual who is significantly older than that individual, Shannon is the person who is the pot calling the kettle black.
The fact that Ray is 23 years older than Shannon herself, as well as the fact that Alison’s spouse David is a significant amount older than she is, is especially noteworthy. The fundamental point is that Shannon should maintain silence and not only acknowledge that you are an Autistic individual, but also that you have a strong preference for interacting with and associating with individuals who are significantly older than you and who may be more distantly related to you”.
My father then proceeds to say to me “” You need not be concerned about the potential aversiveness of any of the Gilligan children toward the significance of the family to you. You are free to discuss the family with Grandma, Aunt Marie, and Mary Ann at your leisure, and you will receive the information directly from the Horse’s mouth, as the saying goes. You also need not be concerned about the likelihood that Ann will be aversive toward the significance of the family to you. Uncle Joe and Aunt Martha are more than willing to discuss the family with you. As the saying goes, “Get the facts straight from the Horse’s mouth””.
Subsequently, my father says to me “You also do not need to be concerned about the aversion of Shari Lewis’s daughter Mallory to the significance of her mother to you, the fondness that Grandma has always had for Shari Lewis, or the fact that Mallory is opposed to collaborating on craft projects with Grandma. Whenever Shannon and Ray bring Shari Lewis and her sister-in-law, the esteemed novelist Judith Krantrz, to our homestead in their motorhome, you will always have the opportunity to converse with and associate with Shari Lewis”.
My father then proceeds to say to me “Dennis and his wife Carolyn would derive significant advantages from meeting Ray. Dennis and perhaps Carolyn would establish a rapport with Ray in the same manner that you and I have”.
My parents genuinely value the fact that they are the only two individuals on Earth who know me better than anyone else and who fully comprehend me from the inside out. They have been listening to the opinions of others on how to raise an Autistic child for my entire life, and they are willing to allow me to live with them until their passing.
My father and I eventually return home to our residence in Lakeland, Michigan. We park in our lengthy driveway in his diesel-powered GMT400 2-Door Tahoe.
Matthew Parij 